“Ha tu la… buat kerja tak ikhlas..”

During my childhood, I always always got that saying whenever I did a job or helped my sisters yet I was not succeeded, or something worse happened. I guess among the siblings, I am the one who received that the most. Hee

When it comes to my final year project (FYP), there was a lot of turmoil than sweet moments. For the first and second week I still could endured it well. I lost my matric card thus need to spend another rm30 to get new one, my equipment for the project not well assemble thus need to search each and every of it, and more.

But when it came to the third week, I had problem with my agarose to read my PCR result. Tried various way of troubleshooting the problem to get a good picture but was to no avail. That also mean numbers of PCR being done to accompany the process. Until the end of the third week, on Thursday, finally, got a nice clear picture, but, the RNA extraction used for the PCR already degraded thus, I still could not get a result. Tomorrow on Friday, I’ll do another PCR then. I went back with smiling face after so long not had one.

On Friday, I just couldn't help myself from having these thoughts lingering in my mind.

“This gonna be my last PCR”

“This gonna be over soon”

“I cant take this anymore, please God, let this be the last”

Done my PCR preparation, sent to thermocycler, now lets see the result!

And bam! The result showed contamination had occurred in my PCR, there’s a positive band on  the negative control. Im doomed, now I have to troubleshoot another problem, and it wasn't an easy problem to troubleshoot, I might need another week. I never had contamination before! It was 4pm, my mind rambling searching for solution, seniors tried to help, clock is ticking, the lab will close soon. I really asked one postgrad student whether he would stay later than 5pm so I could do another PCR to find whats wrong in my previous PCR. And on my way to get my PCR kit, along the walkway, at dusk, alone, I cried out my heart loud.

I was so so down, and disappointed, and almost lost hope. I only have another two weeks to finish my project yet I was stuck at PCR for almost two weeks already. Performed my Maghrib prayer, with tears rolling. Found a peace, but my heart still aching, then I gathered strength to call my mom, I was ready to cry on the phone which I never done before during my 23 years of living.

My mom was being very cool. Im very glad she did not asking for more details what happened, its hard for me to explain all those PCR thingy. She just keep on calming me, telling its okay, things will be fine. After half an hour on the phone, I finally hang up and continue my work, finished the PCR and kept the PCR product in the fridge. I still need to wait for next Monday to come to check the result.

On the next day, I did some minor lab work, then I received a text from mom, saying

“…buat dengan ikhlas, baru la tak rasa letih..”

“…do it with sincerity, and you wont feel tired..”

Those words hit me hard. I actually felt really tired from all of this and how actually she knew it? maternal sense,. Since young, I thought, not hoping for something in return after doing a work, is sincere enough, maybe part of being sincere. I know you must also be sincere with your work, but I actually don’t know how that actually works, how it actually feels like. As a person who want things fast, when there’s no sincerity in it, eventually I easily felt tired, and make things slower. I learnt my lesson. Maybe just because I left my sincerity during the PCR, the ingredients of the PCR Mastermix become incomplete and contaminated with my insincerity. 

On Monday, I tried to build that sincerity from scratch, built more faith towards Him, no matter what the result is, I will continue to do my best. Well, it turned out that that PCR still contaminate on Monday, my PCR kit was running low, thus, I couldn’t do another PCR to solve the problem, have to find another alternative, yet, I didn’t felt despair neither tired.  I guess, I got the meaning of sincerity in work that I searched all this while.