fadhshukor

my early and middle 2016 is my downfall term. my second year started with gastritis. for 21 years, i never felt that weak. i couldn't even ate, everything i ate will vomitted out. i can't even get out of bed. my stomach was burning myself and no one was there. except for three person who i will remember for life.

for 21 years of my life, i never faced that kind of failure. it was the first time of my academic life, i failed, even its just in one subject but i failed for that subject in two test in a row. being called up by the lecturer. for the first time, i didn't know how to study that subject. for the first time, i failed. and the person nur fadhilah is the one who never failed. before.

my phone felt into river. had to spend my own money to buy new one. my pocket money became tight.

next, my print broke down. had to spend my own money to buy a new one. again, my pocket money became harder.

i faced some conflicts with people.

going through that downfall term, that was not my only failure. nur fadhilah who won the first place in public speaking competition of national level, actually had lost without any place at all in the same competition of just an intercollege level. i felt so ashamed of myself and started to wonder, what happened to my life?

and i start to think.

my gastritis taught me, that i can't live all by myself in this world. i need people. i used to be Ms.Independent, who don't want others to help me at all if i still manage to do it. the world is about living in community. you must blend in. i was a closed person before, because i afraid of being hurt, i afraid of being disappointed when my expectation is not met by people. since then, i step out from the comfort zone, and learn to be accepted by people, and learn to be hurt by people, thus, i was led to have a conflicts with some people. *so many 'people' word used sorryyy my vocab is running out! it was a real tough one. from there, i was built in anger, i was about to be an ignorant person, was about to rant about it on social media, but one verse from AlQuran stopped me from transforming into that person. alhamdulillah. and a friend came and reminded me that even if you're the last person left, the world still need kind people*again, 'people' word. don't stop being kind. and, from there i learned to treat people how i want people to treat me, but if i didn't get the same, just think the other way round, at least, i've made a person happy, don't expect for a return. don't expect people to understand you, because you are the only you in this world, no one else can be you, how you expect people to understand you? *hee

my financial is tight. but i realised, i never starved, and i still feel enough, even there's  the hardest time, but Allah's help is always on time. Neither late nor too late. in everything, always seek  for Him at your worst and best. correcting faults in prayer was not an easy journey. until now im still with lots of flaws. and learn to stay low. humble.

and i learned to learn again. i need to have a self discipline again. everything was started from almost zero point. i realised how hard studying is, what is the real meaning by correcting your 'niat' in obtaining knowledge everytime you study. alhamdulillah im experiencing the difference.

with lots of self mistake to be correct and some corrected *i hope* i know i actually can end my 2016 with smiles too. i started my online stores with 1.5k followers in less than one year, its just, i stopped for a while to focus on finals, passing several of my tests being among the top scorers, and happy memoirs that i've recorded here, and with you, for reading my stories and keep supporting my blog.

i believe life is about learning, in order to live, i must learn. even in the hardest way toward myself.

May 2017 fill with love, appreciation and sincere.

It was Friday morning which is the last day of the week before we going to have longggg weekend. 4 days considered long to us! But first, my schedule to record our LAX video, and have three hours pharmacology practical and my holidays awaits. The recording went well than our previous Gamification recording which gone haywire and cute catdog fight, huhu.

But the recording went over well when my group exceed 9 minutes of recording time when we supposed to record only 20 minutes video. So, we were late for pharmacology practical. I rushed to lecture hall but suddenly received a news that Dr. gave a case study to be solve instead of having lab activity. Okke.. a case study here I come.

Read through the case study, I found it is a Amitraz toxicosis case in a 4 years old poodle. Amitraz is common drug use to prevent ectoparasite(tick, lice and mite) infestation on animal. The problem listed  are vomitting, diarrhea, depression and others. So,  I did the presentation slide regarding the problem list, diagnostic work up, the diagnosis, and the treatment, but I stopped at the mechanism of action of the drug that causing all those problem list. I understand all the problem mechanism except one, how Amitraz cause diarrhea. But the time is ticking away!  My partner just write what we found without understand much and absorb the simplest information about the mechanism which I kept on praying that my question wouldn't be up to be presented. And rushed back to the hall.

Stepped into the lecture hall for presentation session, I still on my phone kept on searching for the diarrhea mechanism. How how and how? Why isn't there an answer? But nature is calling I went to ladies and left my phone inside the hall. I went out of ladies, my groupmate rushed to me and told me that my question was on presentation now! What??!!

I walked down the stairs to the front and the mic changed hand. I started my explanation on and on. So, its looking good. When it came to mechanism of action, I passed the mic back to my partner. But it was passed back to me. They said, cakap je fadh, confident. Thus, I explained the mechanism of each problem listed except the diarrhea part, still safely hidden. and Dr. neither asked me about that, nor doubting my explanation, Alhamdulillah. My worrst nightmare came to an end. But I was curioused. I continued until the final part which is the treatment to be administered and there, I started to be given with questionsss. It was a heated questions and answer session. Alhamdulillah the questions still could be handled by my beginner knowledge regarding pharmacology.

Then, it ends. I was sooo afraid to handle that presentation before. I thought I couldnt handled it. Thank you so much for my groupmates's support! After the class end, I met up my Dr. and asked about my problem to find diarrhea cause by Amitraz toxicosis mechanism. It was actually the common reaction when an animal having foreign body thus, it doesnt have specific action regarding Amitraz drug component! Oh, I was worried over unneccessary thing! Read more fadh!

its a long holiday but im still in college.

The unsolved problem will come to you until it solve! Don't avoid but face it!
p/s:thank you so much for Anonymous comment that correct my previous entry. :)

Objective Structured Clinical Examination, osce which i just googled just now hee. osce is like a mock exam mostly conducted for health practitioner, vet, medics, about others im not so sure. so, my osce was scheduled right after my test 2 but suddenly virology which is the last subject for test 2 is postponed just in one night ! when a test is postpone for more than two time make us play around and increase our final-paper-syndrome, which is a soul threatening, bilala exam nak habis ni..

so, by hook or by crook, i must change my mindset that my final paper is viro and not osce anymore, must change my game plan, start studying for osce first, after finish osce then we go back to viro. it's aren't easy. which i actually got less than three days to study for osce. osce plays a big part of our curriculum, because it carry big carry mark, second, its our very first doctor-ly-practical-examination; how you will talk with your client, how you wanna deal your patient, your profesionalism, everything is tested here, you must present yourself as the DOCTOR, NOT STUDENT ANYMORE, NADA. third, of course i wanna pass!
first day of-osce-preparation, is on saturday which the university is having merentas kampus or cross country run. either i wanna stay in room and study for osce all day long or make use of the bright sky while preparing ?? finally i chose  to get up and head out of my room, if i stay there longer i'll be more anxious. but that day, i decided not to run like i used to do, but just walk while revising patient history taking until the finishingline. thank god, got classmate to spend the walk together! people who walked passing us gave weird look.. apa pula tanya-tanya pasal kucing ingat ni klinik ke? huhu. we're still sane people no worries. after finished and went back to college we capture two cats to practice animal handling plak. again got another weird eyes looking at us. huhu. practice and keep on practicing until malam. malam guna elmo pula for practice.
second day, practice and keep practice until 10pm. i need to stop. relax and calm myself. 'fadhilah, you need yourself a sleep, tomorrow patient dont want to see your bulging eyebag eventhough its permanent.:P then, that night, is the night that i ironed my white coat  for the first time ever. would never forget.

and the day come. i am sooo grateful that my name on among the first session. i dont like waiting for exam really want to finish is asap. penantian satu penyiksaan okayy . got four station, each station i only have four minutes to fnish all the task! and the voice break the silence, next station please. go fadh! my turn came.

first station was the histoy taking. i was soooo shocked, i tried my best to hide it, hoping the client not realised it too. i realised i took some time, quite long, to read the case. it was a piglet case! i actually just practice about swine minutes before i went in, not the days before! tanya je la fadh relax.. so i started. i was stuttered to say 'piglet' because im afraid i identify the animal wrongly! when you nervous you cant even distinguish which is pig which is dog! thank god, im not wrong, it is piglet. and to be honest, its the client that accidently enlightened me about whats the piglet problem when i was still blurry because i felt like almost fainting in the examination room. im still like, me now a doctor? waa. when the client said 'diarrhea' when answering my question, it snap me back to real world. i couldnt finish my history taking in the 4 minutes provided, so i tried to end it as polite as i could.huhu because being rude is automatic failure!

move on to second and third stage, i felt better alhamdulillah. but it came to final stage, which is the large animal ward, stepped into the examination area, alamak prof. ni..the strict one. the task is to identify the rate of rumen sound. what is rumen? one of the ruminant stomach compartment.. what is ruminant?..can google hee  the goat was nice with me at first, but when almost one minute, it started to move around so i just released it exactly after one minute of ausculting. then, i reported that i heard two rumen sound in one minute which indicates that it is normal. and the prof asked me again,' so just spent for one minute?' i just answered with big eyes of confidence 'yes' but i actually release it because i dont want to stress it anymore, i know i need to hear it for another one minute why i can't answer like that fluentttt because i was so nervous facing that prof. then, prof. said 'ok' so i left. i left with feeling that i would failed that station. i dont have mood anymore for anything else. i really on mood swing. i dont even took picture before going back because i was sooo frustrated. then, i went straight to ioi alone, and had boat noodle as much as i could huhu. leave the rest to Him. Allah knows best.

just a snap before i went in

last thursday, the osce result was out, alhamdulillah i passed. i-actually-passed. instead of all my frust and some tantrums huhu. and we have to go back to virology test 2 two days after the result, which was on friday. and i just had one day left to prepare.

alhamdulillah, today i just finished my virology practical test. and tomorrow got immunology quiz plak.

 passing a test is important for me because the result shows how's my attitude toward my education and knowledge. if i really put an effort thats the outcome, otherwise if i dont, the outcome might be bad.  faham tak? hee.. it's something that need to ponder. but there's a point, when we've put effort, but still not getting what we want.. that's another situation. im gonna write about it soon.
no matter how hard your study is.. keep the ball rolling, you're making life as the best version.
and



the hardest pathway is indeed the most beautiful! make one yours.